Loser
by Sherbet Daisy
Summary: I realised then, that I didn't really know him at all.


I didn't think I'd ever actually be _here_. I sat uncomfortably on JJ's bed, looking at the massive spider-diagram thing on the wall. Constant changes, crossings out, additional stuff written over it, barely a piece of wall was left. JJ had everything mapped out, I noted my name near Effy's probably something to do with Gobbler's End, I smiled at the paper that said all three of the Musketeer's loved her. Then JJ's scrawl of 'Effy likes JJ'. His room was just a _bit_ more 16-year-old than my brother's, which was saying alot considering the age gap. Then again, my fucking little brother cross-dresses, a complete freak like the rest of us. Happy Families isn't working anymore.

"Katie?" I looked up suddenly and a worried looking JJ stared back at me. "Are you okay? Mum said you called round ages ago…"

"She said I could wait", I shrugged, I felt like absolute shit. JJ still had a slight yellow-green patch from where Cook had head butted him at that party a few weeks ago.

"Katie you didn't answer my question", he furrowed his brow in that totally losery way that he does. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm fine. Why d'you care, you mong?" I said spitefully, JJ looked upset for a moment. Then he started to look absolutely terrifying.

"That's right I'm a fucking useless spastic, mong, retard UGH!" my eyes felt like they were going to drop out of their sockets, I jumped up, grabbing JJ's biceps.

"No, no, no! J its fine! Calm down, just calm down! I'm sorry, I don't mean it", the last bit was quiet, so very quiet. It was a whimper. Katie Fitch doesn't whimper. JJ was breathing deeply and staring up at the ceiling, his breaths and the ticking of a clock were the only sounds. I felt absolutely terrible, I felt _so _bad at making him do that Emily had said something about JJ having these furious moment things, I didn't realise they were that… Bad? JJ jumped back suddenly, I only then became conscious that I'd still had my hands on his arms.

"N-no, it's fine Katie. I shouldn'tve flown of the handle like that, I mean I bet you think I'm an actual spastic now. Which I am by the way-" he was pacing, making wild hand gestures and staring at the carpet, he talked faster as he went on, I stopped him.

"No! JJ, it's not you. I'm being a bitch, as _fucking _always", my voice broke a bit on the end, "I came to you. Sorry, I can't help it sometimes". No! I was _not_ going to ruin my mascara, no crying Katie. NO CRYING! I swiped at my eyes, praying I wasn't going to have black rivers down my cheeks. JJ's face had softened. I did _not_ want pity, especially not from JJ. JJ was too nice.

"No, Katie it's fine. Everything's kind of erm-"

"It's fucked JJ. It's all fucked up", I said in a whisper, my mascara was definitely ruined now. I couldn't change anything, I couldn't do anything, I can't stop it, I can't change people, I can't do anything at all. I hate being powerless. I always had the rule over Emily and now she's basically trying her hardest not to be my sister, let alone being my twin, my brother dresses as a girl, a _girl _for fucks sake! My parents don't love each other anymore; my Dad's lost the gym while my mum's completely screwed us over with her stupid 'Let's Get Fitched' shit. We aren't going to have a house. I don't want to be a homeless, I don't want anything to change. The perfect everything… Well that certainly isn't going to happen now.

"Katie…" JJ was hugging me now; he was taller than me by a lot. He felt like a nice, warm wall. It's the weirdest thing when someone hugs you, right when you need one, you don't care who it is or where you are or anything, you just hold on for as long as you can like you're five years old again. I realised then that I didn't really know anything about JJ, I'd always passed him off for a tag-along loser with braces who liked gay magic. When I heard that Emily had fucked him, I laughed. I actually fucking laughed. That's how much of a cow I am. And I was still crying, I didn't know I could cry that much, I must've sounded like a _dying_ cow now you mention it. But JJ didn't even say anything as we hugged in the middle of his bedroom, I just cried and cried and cried like they say in books and shit. You don't actually expect things like that to actually happen because they're so cliché.

"I-I'm going t-to be a h-homeless, m-my parents will d-divorce, E-Emily hates m-me", I blubbered as he rocked me side to side. I was not Katie Fitch right then, I didn't know who I was, but I certainly wasn't here. It _was_ nice; I'm not going to deny it. JJ was just, lovely about it all. He listened to me, then asked me polite and appropriate questions and had actually pretty good ideas. Then, the sun started setting and it was time for me to get back to my nightmare. I smiled at JJ after I'd cleaned myself up (i.e mascara situation) he told me I looked lovely without any makeup, I didn't believe him but it was kind of him anyway. I kept fingering my hairline on the side of my head, I was so conscious of the damned thing.

"JJ…" I start as I get up to leave, then he's hugging me again. I self-consciously wrap my arms around his back.

"It's fine Katie", he murmurs into my neck, I smile and we break the hug.

"Yeah… It is fine", I give him a kiss on the cheek which leaves him blushing beetroot red then, I said softly "Thanks J, I owe you loser"


End file.
